I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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