Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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