what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
