Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
