i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize