someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
