Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize