Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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