i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize