he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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