Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
