I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
