I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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