what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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