A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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