Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize