It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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