I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
