There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
