So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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