What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
