I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
