Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
