The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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