your parents love me but you hate me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize