We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
