We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
