I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
