dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
