I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
