By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
