The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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