Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
