I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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