youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
