So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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