There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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