I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize