I got chris browned last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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