oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
