I wish I could teleport
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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