a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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