I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
