New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
