someone threw a dead crab at me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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