so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
