I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
