Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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