Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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