I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
