We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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