I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
