I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
