I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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