you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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