They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
