Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
