im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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