I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
