He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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