worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im holly from the hills drunk
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
