he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
