Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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