roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
