I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
